


Fan

by WOOZIs DARLING (Zinna92)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Emotional, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Multi, Sexual Content, confused Wonwoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 15:24:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10028054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zinna92/pseuds/WOOZIs%20DARLING
Summary: People can be many things throughout their lives. Son, daughter, parents, grandparents, family, brothers, friends, writers, dreamers, anything that could describe and fit a person. Jeon Wonwoo was a song. Sad and overwhelming, about a unreachable love. A far away star too far from his grip but so close that it burnt his skin.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with another story and my last one. Of course I'm gonna keep updating Amor Fati until its end but there would be no other stories. I have been writing stories I feel so proud of and so mine but people seem not very interested in the stories I'm writing. So I became what I was afraid of, the book that no one reads, so I'll walk away with my head up, proud of what I have done so far. I'll keep writing but for myself only, so there would be no difference more than my pride being unhurt and less frustration.
> 
> So far, I'm thankful for the love my stories got.
> 
> Anyways, this story is mostly what I always wanted to write about. Since Wonwoo said he liked Tablo the idea lingered in my head and I wanted it to be sweet but as I myself felt bad I wrote about that feeling and I thing it got more real that way. This is the best way I can say goodbye. Something that's really mine.

**PRELUDE**

People can be many things throughout their lives. Son, daughter, parents, grandparents, family, brothers, friends, writers, dreamers, anything that could describe and fit a person. Jeon Wonwoo was a son, a student, a brother, a friend, writer, an idol and over all things, he was still and undoubtedly a fan.

Everything began when he was still a student. He hadn't even decided to become an idol nor an artist, he was still a young spoiled boy and he had taken some bad decisions but he was still young, he was allowed to. The truth about the young Wonwoo was easy, he never felt like fitting in a place but that never meant that he was an isolated boy or antisocial. It was just hard to make friends but he had them, he could count them with the fingers of his hand without even missing fingers.

It happened, remotely, when he was ten years old. It was a brief moment and forgotten for some time but it was carved in his brain, it became unexpectedly part of his life. He never noticed but if he did notice, back in the time he would have been annoyed.

The song became a hit and was played everywhere, nonstop. Released in 2005 but its hype began months later. Wonwoo walked by the arcade and heard the song but he never paid attention to it, there was no need. Wonwoo wasn’t a boy that actually followed tendencies and the song were popular among just a small group of people. Yet he was a boy and a kid. It was when he was going through a game. The background music played one song after another but nothing came to his head as he kept playing and he tried his best to win, kicking his game partner on the leg to make him lose. The other boy hit him wit his arm, bumping and Wonwoo almost lost his balance groaning. They bickered and laughed, the song playing on the back and the memory was filled with it.

_You can fly_

Wonwoo soon began to hum the song. There was no lyrics but the tune.

"You like it?" Wonwoo heard and looked at his friend at his side. The glasses glistened and he chuckled.

"What?" Wonwoo answered and the boy sat at his desk, beside Wonwoo.

"The song," the boy said and Wonwoo moved his head.

"What song?"

"You were humming a song," the boy said with a mocking smile that made Wonwoo frown

"I wasn't," Wonwoo said. The boy chuckled and Wonwoo stared at him, trying to understand what was happening because he was sure he wasn't humming any song.

"You were," the boy said, "it was Epik High's Fly," he said and looked inside his backpack when he found what he was looking for he handed it to Wonwoo. It was a cd. He looked at the cover and hesitated to take it. The cover was simple but it lacked on Aesthetic. "Take it, the song number 3 it was the one you were humming." Wonwoo took the cd and turned it around watching the song titles, he turned it again to see the cover. Three persons with weird hairstyles.

"Swan songs?" He mumbled.

"Is good, listen to it," the boy said and Wonwoo nodded putting the album on his backpack.

He let the day go by and when he was home, he emptied his backpack, he saw the album and stared at it before he took it, staring at the man in the middle of the picture, he moved and placed the album on his desk, not daring to listen to it. He was curious but he refrained himself from listening to it, as it was a door to an unknown world and it scared him. The next day he gave back the album and lied _I didn't like it_ and he thought it would be the end of it.

A year later a name came to his ears but it was something that he felt he would always say _Yeah, I heard about him but I don't know anything_ but life it's not that easy and less when things that you expected to forget started to be graved in your brain as if it were something that would change your life.

Wonwoo was eleven years old when something else came to him. The sound was nice and soft and the lyrics were truthful and poetic but not overly romantic even when it was a love song. That time he felt like embracing the sound and the feelings. It was a heartbreaking yet fulfilling song. The emotions overflowed and poured from his body making him shiver. It was a new experience and he loved it. With it came many others and he never regretted them.

It had been an accident, he was told to turn on the television at the same moment the song began, the soft breaking female voice made him keep his eyes on the tv but what made him keep watching was the man in there, which voice and rap, the way he rapped and the speed made him love him but overall the poetic in something that people had forgotten it could be poetic.

The man had given him an experience, a feeling and something to love and become another thing. That moment Wonwoo added another label to the things he was. A son, a grandchild, a brother, a friend, a student and now, a fan.

 

 

**HOOK**

It was 2007, Wonwoo was still eleven years old and with the now growing love for a band that came to be something he shouldn't be loving, all their albums being rated despite the fact that there was nothing wrong with them more than the fact that it was honest. The lyrics were always poetic and honest. With the love came something else. The love came with curiousness making him find something that changed everything, more than he wished and it scared him.

It opened his eyes, it made his heart race and he understood things would bound to change, to be harder and different.

He understood what was love and who he loved so dearly and deeply.

That moment the air became cleaner. It was easier to breathe but the world became scarier and his feelings deeper. He had been drowning and now he was able to be out of the water to find that what he was and what he encountered it wasn't what he thought it would be. It was darker and harder but there was a light at the end. It was love or something similar. At the end it was him, he was the light and Wonwoo chased after him, day after day. When he was awake and when he was asleep. He dreamed that everything was good and that he could stop pretending, that his big warm hand would ruffle his hair and tell him he was grateful to have him but those were nothing but dreams.

He wasn't supposed to be able to listen to his songs, those songs that have different meaning but all of them poetic the same. He heard about politics -but he understood too little about it-, yet there was one phrase that chased him in his sleep. It was eight words and he heard them in a few songs. It was a subtle sound and he wondered if it meant something. Was it literal or metaphorical? He didn't know but it became his motto in its metaphorical meaning.

_Death is the start of a new life_

At the end, he was hurt because he found what he was and where it was his place. He dreamed of being hugged by that man, he dreamed of his warm hand caressing his cheek and those lips over his own, he was a kid but his thoughts raced over places it shouldn't. He knew so well everything it was vain. The love, the feelings and as he stared the television to watch him sing and rap. As he sat there, looking at the lights and his hand extended to reach the screen to just meet the cold glass, he understood there wouldn't be anything else there. There would be no reciprocation. Just a deep one-sided love but he would let that fact make him stop cherishing his own happiness because no matter what he would love the man at the other side of the screen and he would yearn for him, for everything he was and what he could be and all the emotions that he made Wonwoo feel. Even the sudden twitch in his lower regions. That feeling of his tensing testicles when he saw him smile and heard him laugh.

He would always love him even if the man never saw him at all but that was the grave of a fan. The desire and need that would never have an end, that would make you crave everything over and over and when you feel the deepest, filthy need you would find loneliness and pain and it would never stop, not even when you smile again and the tears are long forgotten.

Wonwoo learned his place but never stopped to feel everything, he couldn't deny it. When his feelings were sorted out and the idea faded and disappeared to just become a boy, an admirer but the thought of being a lover faded the words came back to pierce his heart, to make him cry to sleep and grasp his shirt as he sobbed as he tried to hold back the tears to swallow everything and try to rip his heart out. Everything became unbearable because it was more than he wanted and he got so little to nothing.

He felt as if the verses were meant to him but it wasn't that with everyone, there's always a song that you feel is meant to. He wondered if it was just a universal feeling. Does he feel like that? And the unanswered question meant more than he wanted. It would always be unanswered, he would never find that little answer.

_Even pain feels sweet; la dolce malattia, see I'm not okay._

The thought got him crying all night, waking up to with a blank mind, nothing there but his eyes swollen and red as he had a restless night and a few hours to sleep. He stared at his face on the poster on his wall and frowned. He was the responsible for everything, he cried again and ripped the poster, cutting it into pieces. When he saw what he has done he kneeled and cried again. No one noticed his pain and crying. He was fine on the outside but his youthful mind was gone into a deep swamp. He was drowning in darkness again.

The face as unscratched and he took it in between his nimble fingers. He kissed the piece of paper and apologized.

_It feels like you'll be the death of me._

He placed the paper under his pillow, dried his tears and left his room. His safe space. He met the world and met people but never him. It would never be him.

 

**FIRST VERSE**

Wonwoo was growing. A teenager now, with his hand tightly grasped on his lower regions as he thought of him, as his face came into his closed eyelids. He imagined him and his hand rocking his cock and calling his name, telling him good things and he came. He released on his hand, he took a few tissues and cleaned his stomach. It was sad, lonely even but he liked the idea. Wonwoo was still young, inexperienced and lacked on knowledge. He still had a long time to know what sex for him would be. A few years before he became an idol and he knew the person he was with wouldn't acknowledge what happened between them. There would be no way that the young boy would acknowledge all the whispers and all the love he professed to Wonwoo until they realized their relationship had no future. Because they were gay and Wonwoo had only eyes for that man. No matter how many time they had sex -or with many people Wonwoo could have sex with- he was the only person in his mind.

2009 came with bad news to Wonwoo.

As the thirteen-year-old Wonwoo drowned in the idea of their bodies being clasped together in the most innocent way. He drowned in the idea of steamy kisses and hands rocking on each other's cocks the new broke any possibility.

The man he had dreamt with, the person he wanted to spend his life with was getting married. It felt like the end of his life. All his expectations broke and the curtain fell showing him the real world, not the fantasy he had created in which they were in love. Yet, it wasn't the marriage what broke him the most but the fact his future wife was already pregnant.

The idea of them together in the way Wonwoo had always desired drove him insane.

He couldn't feel betrayed anymore it was just reality hitting him but he felt hurt. He couldn't avoid such feeling.

He had been walking in a dark place and there was a light at the end of the tunnel, the light was the man that was now getting married and he always felt so far away from his touch and the end felt closer but now everything was falling and he was further away than he ever recalled.

That fateful night Wonwoo, once again cried to sleep. It was a pain that no one could understand yet, it was a pain no one knew Wonwoo felt every day of his life. He fought that ghost that told him he was an idiot and fought the idea of that being only his. Now neither of them were talking. Was he broken now?

The next morning Wonwoo woke up feeling tired and dry, he couldn't cry but inside him, it growth anger. Not to him, he could never hate him. Wonwoo hated himself. He hated the idea he had pursued, his innocence and his blind self.

How could he believe a fine man like him could possibly be gay? Wonwoo hated himself and wanted everything to end, his feelings and all the pain. He wanted to be normal for once.

He tried to run away and the thought of throwing all his love at first was hard so he just locked everything. The albums -the one he was still not supposed to hear and less have-, the posters and all his love. The face he had saved for the first time end up in the trash can and he saw how it was taken away. A part of him was now missing.

Wonwoo was young and handsome. He wasn't as handsome as he would be when turn nineteen but he was still handsome in his blooming youth. The pain made him do stupid things.

A female student confessed to him with no intention more than get rid the oppressing feeling on her chest. The pain and anger, out in spite he took her by the arms and pressed a kiss on her lips. His very first kiss. She wasn't reluctant of anything even when it was forceful. Wonwoo felt a wave of feelings going through every pore of his body and pulled her away.

"Do you like me?" She asked shyly and Wonwoo stared at her and shook his head then, she slapped him and insulted him, running away from him and Wonwoo cried.

He didn't want anyone but him, or perhaps he just wanted a boy. He was queer and nothing would change that matter. He just fantasized with a man his whole life. It was never a woman in his eyes and less after him.

And boys came after boys. Wonwoo felt hurt and lonely but nothing lasted as everyone noticed Wonwoo did everything in a spite of loneliness and pain. He felt better when he drown in someone's lips. It felt like an ephemeral happiness until he came back into reality in where he was alone waiting for someone to make him feel less lonely. Such boy never came.

 

**SECOND VERSE**

After the notice, his life became an erratic mess. Nothing came to fix everything. Not the man and no other person beside him. Then, a problem began in the man's life and Wonwoo deep down felt nice. That didn't last anyway.

2010 was the year their lives would turn around.

It began in the right way. A new album and the main song was his, it was about him it was what he wanted to do from the beginning. It wasn't everything, every song it was about him and as he listened to every song, crying, feeling like he needed to hug him to make him feel everything will be alright, another thought began to build in his head.

The man was surrounded by a controversy about his studies and it grew wilder and Wonwoo felt overwhelmed and scared as if it was his own pain and his own problem but it wasn't and it will never be. Or maybe it could be.

He had been trying to play a few instruments but as everyone agreed the guitar was the best and he started with it. He tried to sing but it wasn't too good but he kept trying until he got the courage to do the same as the man he loved. And he loved music as much as he loved him. He wanted to be the same, to do the same, to being able to let people know him and have such poetic fulfilling songs.

He took a company and just auditioned to see how it was, not because he wanted to be there, he wanted to try if he failed he could go anywhere else and try until he ran out of options but it wasn't needed. He got into the company right away even with his poor performance.

Wonwoo little knew that besides his looks, there was a potential but more likely, passion. The love he felt was too passional but not for the man only but for his music. He would do the same. Without any doubt.

There was another idea lingering at the back of his head, waiting for the exact moment to get into his consciousness. Being an idol was a step further and closer to the man. Yet it was still a faraway dream.

Soon after he was in the company and his training began he met the people he would call friends and the one he would never want to fall apart from and he was grateful his selfishness had taken him to that point in his life, to that friendship and those wonderful experiences.

As everything became a mess for the man's life, Wonwoo took the chance, the opportunity in front of him and tried to be closer because he wanted him to hear him. Wonwoo wanted him to understand, to hear only his words and all the fan's words. He wanted him to know that he wasn't alone. He wasn't alone because there was him, his wife and his daughter. His decision came with that idea. One day they'll be close enough to Wonwoo be able to hug him and whisper everything would be okay. Soon. Soon.

 

**HOOK**

In between the people in the company it was Soonyoung, Jihoon, Dooyoon, Seungcheol and Mingyu. Meeting them was a whole new experience. Jihoon was short in height and temper but musically, it was a genius, the boy would never acknowledge that fact and it was made him so lovable, besides, of course, his looks. Soonyoung was a talented boy and Wonwoo was jealous of him, of his way of moving and dancing and of course the easiness on making friends. Doyoon was a boy that Wonwoo liked since the moment he saw him. There was softness and Wonwoo felt comfortable easily with him. Seungcheol was the older, he had been a long time in the company and he was charming and handsome. Everybody looked after him but over all the age and tiredness of training, he was goofy and really fun.

Mingyu was special since the moment they looked at each other. Mingyu was younger than him, he was a few centimeters shorter than Wonwoo but Mingyu was meant to outgrow him. There was something in Mingyu and that something was completely unknown to Wonwoo.

Mingyu looked like a whole new world and Wonwoo wanted to explore him.

As the days passed the man disappeared from the public eye. It scared Wonwoo, there were no new songs, there was nothing, not even a words from one of his closest friends.

"Are you okay?" He heard and looked up from the laptop's screen, he stared at Mingyu's big figure. As the days passed Mingyu grew and became manlier and handsome. The sight made Wonwoo nervous and hesitated in answering but he did when Mingyu was about to ask the same again.

"I'm fine," Wonwoo answered and smiled closing the browser. He felt he was at that point in which he was closer to be obsessed than just admire someone and he didn't want anyone to know. The answer made Mingyu frown and Wonwoo's smile disappeared.

"You don't seem okay," Mingyu said and moved to get a chair and place it beside Wonwoo, the older tensed at their closeness. His heart raced and when he turned to see Mingyu, he stared at the young boy's lips. The need to touch them was foreign to Wonwoo and he jerked backward standing up. He excused himself and left Mingyu there, wondering if he had done something wrong, if he should have asked before sitting. Wonwoo glanced to his back and Mingyu was there sitting, not even glancing at him and he sighed.

There was a strange feeling of relief in Wonwoo as if the silence made him free, as his love faded as he couldn't see, hear or read the man and as that happened another wave of feelings began. The idea wasn't new but he felt like he was betraying someone. Mingyu made him felt nervous but it wasn't because he didn't like the boy, it was the opposite because Wonwoo surely and absolutely adored Mingyu but those feeling were stronger than the feelings he had towards the other trainees, not even Doyoon that was close to being called his best friend and Mingyu wasn't close to Wonwoo because the older didn't let him, it scared him because deep down he knew those feelings were more than friendly love. It was romantic and Wonwoo wanted to let it be platonic.

Fear and pain make you do stupid things and Wonwoo knew he was making a stupid decision but that didn't stop him. Not even when the lips he was kissing didn't felt nice and the hands touching him were burning his skin in a painfully sad way. He wanted to get rid of the idea of love. Of nice hurting feeling against his chest. Forget the love he was undoubtedly was feeling towards Mingyu.

Wonwoo's back was pressed against a wall, he was a few blocks away from the company. He was early but he wasn't alone. He was enjoying a little time with whom he surely now was calling boyfriend. The boy was kissing him in a desperate manner making Wonwoo smile into the kiss. The position they were in made impossible for someone to know it was Wonwoo. Sure, people would know it were two boys shamelessly kissing but not that it was him, not until the so-called boyfriend moved his lips to Wonwoo's jawline, his lips trailing softly against his skin and Wonwoo couldn't hold a moan, closing his eyes, smiling. He opened them again finding Mingyu there, his eyes wide open and before Wonwoo could do something Mingyu moved to take his arm without saying a word. The movement was sudden and the touch was burning his skin in a rather painful but nice way. It was scary how the simple touch he had shared so many times with so many people made him feel so different and so good. He got rid of the touch. Mingyu stared at him dumbfounded and he turned to his boyfriend almost running to those arms that felt foreigner but filling. He turned to see Mingyu and his face. The way his eyes looked, empty and sad made him swallow but none dared to say a word, it was uncomfortable for many reasons. The denied feelings, the unspoken ones and the fake ones.

"I think I have to leave." Wonwoo broke the silence watching the man which arms were around his waist. He looked at his hard features, a fine man that loved him that very moment. "I'll call you later," Wonwoo said moving to kiss him and for an unknown reason, it felt nice. It felt like it never felt before.

"Yeah," the boy said and Wonwoo smiled taking his hand. The boy smiled and Wonwoo felt nothing. His skin wasn't burning but it didn't feel like it was meant to be. "I love you." The sound barely came into Wonwoo's ears yet, it did and he blinked twice.

"Me too," he stuttered and the touch on his hand burnt painfully and it wasn't the touch but the idea. The idea that the man touching him was allowed to touch him in so many ways and some of them in such intimate way it scared him and it hurt him. It hurt him as much as a broken bone could.

Wonwoo saw him walk away and the boy never turned behind as if he expected him to just leave without a warning and well, he might have done it. He would have run into the company building into a safe space.

What was that?" Mingyu hissed and Wonwoo turned to see him. A fine boy frowning, glaring and anger pouring from his body. Wonwoo swallowed once again.

"What?" Wonwoo answered, brushing away anything implied on Mingyu's words and walked away but Mingyu took his wrist and once again, it was painful.

"No, you'll answer me," he said and his voice trailed more than the young boy wanted to acknowledge his own feelings. "Do you know what would happen if someone saw you?"

"What?"

"Look if you don't care about your future I won't care either," Mingyu said and released Wonwoo. As the air hit his wrist Wonwoo felt an emptiness and he reached back Mingyu's hand. An unconscious movement making him blush. "What?"

"I'm sorry," Wonwoo mumbled shyly and Mingyu didn't stop to glare at him.

"You don't have to apologize," Mingyu said and bit his lip.

"I hurt you," the words came from his mouth before he could even think on even say them and Mingyu released from his touch.

"What?" Mingyu huffed. "Don't think that you actually matter that much." The words pierced his heart. Mingyu turned around and left him there and Wonwoo never noticed he was crying until he was inside and Doyoon cleaned the tear that was still falling from his eye.

Mingyu stopped talking to Wonwoo, it wasn't like Wonwoo didn't deserve such treatment but still hurt him a lot. Nevertheless, that didn't stop Wonwoo. His first time came a few weeks later when he couldn't hold it anymore. Not the need or the desire but the emptiness and denial. He was filled with many I love you's and he couldn't reciprocate any of them and he felt like lying would bound him even deeper with that boy. He didn't want because he wanted Mingyu in such despicable and selfish way that lying wasn't an option anymore. If he pronounced those words at those moments he wouldn't just be lying to his partner but himself and he was tired of it. If lying and denying things because he could betray a man hat was never his in the first place. A man that was actually married with a beautiful daughter.

As he got dressed that night he took the decision to end it. Not that very moment but soon enough. He did a few weeks later and the next day when he saw Mingyu he cried out of relief and fear. He loved him but his last outburst could mean many things but as he looked at him, he wondered if it wasn't just disgust. As if Mingyu thought it was unholy and a despicable act. The act of loving another man.

He needed some honesty in his life, he had to stop hiding everything. His feelings, his ideas, even his ideals. It wasn't that easy. To acknowledge everything and less his feelings that came like a wave and that he never knew how to deal with them. It was the first time he felt something for someone that it wasn't that man. The first person that was real and within his reach.

He cried wishing everything was easier and he wasn't that scared. He wished he could fall in love with a woman, it would be way easier and less scary but he was the person he was and even when the world looked bad and dark and scarier as the days passed and he got self-conscious about his surrounding and the way the people around him could look at him, his mind told him that the world wouldn't stop and he wouldn't stop feeling the way he felt. Wonwoo was gay and proud of it. No other way around.

Many opportunities came for him to tell Mingyu about his feelings but as he grew closer to him, he felt unable to tell him. Wonwoo liked his friendship, the easiness, and calm that came with it and he liked Mingyu to be closer. He was scared that even if Mingyu was the same as him he didn't felt the same and they would fall apart.

Days passed and the day became closer and Wonwoo felt it, it was a ticking sound in his head.

_Tick tack_

The sound made him groan and he felt annoyed. How he couldn't feel annoyed if he was close but not just close but too close. Wonwoo felt his breath, and he knew Mingyu had taken a little moment in the bathroom to brush his teeth as his breath smelled like fresh mint, making himself feel embarrassed but Mingyu didn't move. He stayed there too close without notice Mingyu was close enough to kiss him, they stayed like that staring at each other. Wonwoo thought on what to say to get free from that, to be able to actually move and say goodbye and reprimand himself for not taking the opportunity in hand.

"Oh shit," Mingyu said and Wonwoo kept smelling the fresh mint. "My homework," Mingyu said as he stood up and Wonwoo whined unconsciously making the younger look at him. Wonwoo blushed and covered his mouth. Mingyu froze not knowing what to do. "See you tomorrow Hyung, he said he leaned to kiss Wonwoo's head and Wonwoo took an even darker red color on his face, slapping Mingyu. The younger chuckled and left. Leaving a madly blushed Wonwoo. His heart racing and holding his breath, sitting on the wooden floor of the practice room. Wonwoo was thinking on how he should have kissed him. Do it and regret it, than don't do it and regret it. He was regretting to have the chance and not have taken advantage of it.

The regret didn't last too long as Mingyu kept doing it, pushing himself closer and closer and it drove Wonwoo insane. No matter what Wonwoo wasn't able to do it. He wasn't brave enough to taste that mint breath with his tongue.

They were alone. Wonwoo stayed behind because he was messing something he wanted to do it properly. As he grown inside those green walls, the mirrors and the wooden floor he wanted to be better and Wonwoo wasn't even close to being good, not yet at least. On the future, he would be _really_ good but at those moments he wasn't even in that category. The door opened and Wonwoo stopped embarrassed. It was Mingyu what made him way more embarrassed. He stopped, moving to turn on the music.

"Can we talk?" Mingyu said, almost like a whisper, Wonwoo nodded and Mingyu reached him and pulled him outside. Mingyu said nothing and Wonwoo weren't waiting for him to say something soon. He pulled him outside the room and the building. Wonwoo's wrist burning, his heart pounding and his legs trying to keep up and not fail. Nervousness making him bit his lip and it wasn't until Wonwoo felt like fainting over the thoughts that he spoke.

"Where are we going?" Wonwoo asked and Mingyu stopped.

"Don't know," Mingyu answered honestly and Wonwoo groaned and looked for somewhere to sit. "I just wanted to take you away," Mingyu said moving to sit beside Wonwoo. The ground was dirty and he knew they shouldn't sit there but did it anyways.

"Why?" Wonwoo asked, looking at Mingyu biting his lip.

"I wanted to be alone with you," he answered and before Wonwoo could ask _why?_ Mingyu took him by his cheek and kissed him. Wonwoo wanted to believe he felt butterflies in his stomach and saw fireworks against his closed eyelids but there was nothing of it. It was nice, no, it was wonderful. Wonwoo placed his hand on Mingyu's nape and pulled him closed, separating his lips, drawing circles against Mingyu's lips with his tongue and Mingyu pulled away. There was a moment of silence where both of them stared at each other.

"I didn't mean to," they said at the same time, looked at each other dumbfounded before they laughed. When Wonwoo saw him laugh, closed eyes and stared at his crooked teeth, Wonwoo knew he liked the boy but he actually liked him and it was close to love.

"I like you," he blurted and placed his hands over his lips, Mingyu smiled and took his wrists and pulled his hands away, leaning to kiss him once again and it was just their lips pressing each other, no one moved and when Mingyu pulled away, Wonwoo saw him smile again.

"I like you too," Mingyu said, softly, calm and Wonwoo moved his hand to push Mingyu closer, kissing him desperately and Mingyu answered the kiss, welcoming Wonwoo's tongue inside his mouth.

Everything felt nice, the kisses and the touches. It was soft and warm and Wonwoo felt happy and the fullest.

Such perfection didn't last too long.

 

**THIRD VERSE**

Wonwoo was with Mingyu for a few weeks and it could be a month and they grow happy together. It was nice and Wonwoo felt like everything was perfect that, there wouldn't be anything else but he was wrong, he was plainly wrong because the same day it'll be his first month with Mingyu the new came and there was something inside that made him thought he forgot it and he did, he was so comfortable around Mingyu he forgot the man that had pushed him there and almost, it had pushed him into Mingyu's arms. There were tears in his eyes but he was holding them tightly.

He loved Mingyu... Right?

After almost a year, the man was releasing an album and the title hit Wonwoo. It was a remembrance for him. Everything has a beginning and everything has an end. It was like planting and idea and he wanted to get rid of it. There's no way, no way he would end anything but there was the title in front of his eyes and he wasn't strong enough. He cried. He couldn't hold it anymore he cried at it.

_Fever's End._

Should everything end?

Wonwoo felt scared as the idea came closer and closer and the memories were engraved in his head. The way he looked, the smile, the dorkiness, the sad eyes but fulfilling smile. Yet Mingyu's image mixed with him. The shining, sparkling eyes and the wide silly smile. At that point, Wonwoo didn't know with whom he was in love with. If he was in love with Mingyu or the man and he didn't want to betray himself.

He wanted to love at fullest.

The idea was complicated. Mingyu was there with him, he enjoyed kissing him, touching him and the way the younger made him feel. The man was complicated, he never knew him in person, he just imagined how his hands and lips would feel but he loves the way he made him feel the happiness and sadness he got through his music and lyrics. It was simply _beautifu_ l. It was better, bigger but that didn't mean happiness. Mingyu meant happiness and Him meant loneliness. Two sides and he was so in love with both of them. He was in love with both feelings because it was part of him and he wasn't denying it. He embraced it, as he embraced Mingyu so many times and as he embraced himself and all his feelings. Every piece of himself.

A song came first and as he listened he cried. Mingyu stared at him and moved to hug him but Wonwoo stopped him, standing up and moving away from him the younger followed him.

"Leave me alone," Wonwoo said his voice breaking as he holds de tears. Mingyu as stubborn as he was moved to hug him, the knowing touch made him shiver and turned around, letting his mp3 fall and placed his arms around his neck and kissed him.

It was a sad kiss but it wasn't empty, it was, in fact, more heartwarming than any other. It was the first time Wonwoo had shown himself to the world and to Mingyu. The younger hadn't doubt on cling on to him, to stay at his side and it was the love he wanted, it was everything he needed to believe completely about his feelings. Mingyu, in that moment, became more than just a friend or a boyfriend, even more than a companion. He became the person the song was talking about.

Wonwoo pulled Mingyu closer, letting his back slid down the back and everything welled in the back of his throat, the moan, the feelings and the love, he drowned in it as Mingyu's cold hands touched his heated skin. It burnt and made his back arch, wanting more and more but he couldn't, they couldn't and less with Wonwoo's growing doubt.

It grew and grew and it became unbearable and soon the first part of the album was released. They dissipated.

It was a song, beautifully written with metaphors about his feelings, the Man's feelings towards his wife and daughter through his dark times but what broke his heart, besides the fact that it was a song filled with despair but an honest deep love, what made Wonwoo cry his heart out was the tender sound of his daughter's voice, calling him at the end of the song. The man was in love with what he had. The family he had and Wonwoo felt like getting in between. He wanted him. He really did wanted him, yet, there was a guilty feel growing in his chest, not only for Him but for Mingyu.

"Do you like him?" Wonwoo heard over the sound of the songs and pulled out his earbud to look at Jihoon, the boy sat at his side and Wonwoo looked at him blinking nonstop. "Do you like Tablo?"

"Yes," Wonwoo said and pressed the pause button. Wonwoo stared at Jihoon, the puzzled face.

"You don't look the type," Jihoon said and looked at his hands. "Not even I like it, there's something about the songs that made me uncomfortable." Wonwoo smiled to look at the cover in his mp3. The artwork gave the whole idea another meaning, deeper and saddest. Wonwoo giggled.

"That's what I like it," Wonwoo said. "It's something we don't hear too often, songs that weren't about love but just feelings and he didn't mask anything but he made everything real. Good and bad things." Jihoon looked at him smiling, there was a hint of a smirk in there.

"You sound smarter than you look," Jihoon said and Wonwoo laughed, his laugh resonating on the walls of the practice room.

"People say that I look smart," Wonwoo said pulling out his chest.

"No, you look like a teenage emo," Jihoon said and moved to stand up but stopped. "You sound like you're in love."

"I am," Wonwoo answered and Jihoon stared at him. "With his music." He lied and stood up before the older and moved looking for Mingyu.

The song had left a bitter taste in his mouth and emptiness in his heart and Mingyu was the one that could fill his heart with nice feelings and thoughts. Wonwoo found him and pulled him into an empty room and locked the door, he sat on a table, pulling Mingyu closer by the waist. Mingyu stared at him.

"Is something wrong?" Wonwoo asked moving his hand from his waist to his face and caressed it.

"I should be asking the same," Mingyu said. "I'm a little clumsy but I'm not an idiot."

"I'm pretty sure you're also an idiot," Wonwoo said and Mingyu frowned. The older chuckled and leaned to kiss him.

"I'm still your boyfriend," Mingyu said. "You're behaving weirdly." Wonwoo froze. "Wonwoo," Mingyu said, softly and slow. Wonwoo tensed and opened his mouth but before he could say something Mingyu spoke, "I love you."

Wonwoo's heart skipped a beat. He thought on everything willing inside his heart and head. His chest started to feel heavy and something pressed against his chest making it hard to breathe. His eyes opened wide and he held his shirt trying to get his composure back but he felt Mingyu's hand and his presence. He brushed his hand away.

"I need air," Wonwoo exhaled, air barely getting into his lungs, he moved from his spot pushing Mingyu away and moved towards the door, he unlocked it and ran. He tripped a few times before he could reach outside the building.

Wonwoo inhaled and reality hit home. How hurt Mingyu would feel, he didn't answer and the words gave him a panic attack. Wonwoo bit his lip, feeling unable to go back and answer something, not that he didn't feel anything. No, he liked him, he loved him but know the boy loved him back made him scared. He hit himself when he noticed how dumb he had been, thinking that Mingyu didn't love him, he did, without any doubt now and even when Wonwoo wanted to tell Mingyu the same words because he felt the same, something stopped him, he felt unable to, something -or someone- was holding him back, tied to the past, his own silly, imaginary past.

Jeon Wonwoo loved Kim Mingyu.

He didn't tell Mingyu, not the same day, not even the same month. Wonwoo knew Mingyu was trying his best to not look broken even when the older was the one looking for him, kissing him. It was hurtful for both of them. Mingyu because he had told his feelings getting nothing as an answer. Wonwoo was hurt because he felt unable to say it even when he was feeling the same. He wasn't doubting anything, not Mingyu's feelings and not even his own but the words were stuck in his throat. They tried his best to not make things awkward but it was a hard deed.

It was when the second part of the album was released when everything crumbled in a way that made him be free. It was just one song, it was like spitting in his face and he was tired of crying and he didn't cry. He was too tired to cry. When he finished hearing the songs Mingyu sat at his side, Wonwoo looked at him in the mirror, he looked at the other boys, tired and in their own world. Mingyu leaned closer and kissed him on the corner of his lip. A kiss that was the sweetest and intimate he had in his life. Mingyu returned to his older position and rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes.

Wonwoo's lips brushed Mingyu's ear and the younger jumped in surprise but was unable to say anything, not even to open his eyes when Wonwoo whispered in his ear, "I love you too."

Mingyu froze and Wonwoo smiled at him. The younger looked around to see what the others were doing and placed a kiss on Wonwoo's lips. Both of them giggled and hold hands intertwining their fingers.

Even when they loved each other, there was still a secret and a lie residing in Wonwoo but he was weak and he couldn't say it at all.

 

**FOURTH VERSE**

Years passed, trainees came and left. Some got stuck with him and his dream and passion grow every day. Sometimes he felt overwhelmed when he saw them doing things better than he did but at the end of the day Mingyu was there with him and everything worth it. The pain was worth it because he could spend the day with Mingyu. Several things happened in the company that it made them hard to believe they could actually debut.

When the company got a partnership with Brand New Music, he couldn't get the hype. Jihoon was complaining at every corner.

"Why only you?" Jihoon hissed, Wonwoo stared at him and Jihoon sighed. "The company has really talented singers, why can not get some training there?"

"Because it mainly focuses on rappers?" Wonwoo said undoubtedly and Jihoon made an angry sound and kicked the ground.

"He's angry," Mingyu said moving to hug Jihoon but the older hit him.  "He wanted to meet Verbal Jint," Mingyu said. "I'll get you an autograph," Mingyu said and stopped. "If I get to see him." Jihoon groaned and stormed out. "He's right anyways, why aren't you excited?" Mingyu asked and moved to hug his boyfriend, then Wonwoo found himself being held tightly he sighed.

"I'm scared," Wonwoo said. "It feels like something I would end up regretting."

"What for?"

"I don't actually know," Wonwoo answered and pushed Mingyu away, looking around to place a kiss on his lips.

"I love you," Mingyu said, his voice barely audible making Wonwoo chuckle.

"Me too," Wonwoo said. "I love you."

Wonwoo was late. School work got harder and he got stuck in one problem when he noticed he was alone in the dorm and he rushed towards the company, when he got inside he couldn't find anyone so he headed towards the regular room they used. Wonwoo opened the door without knocking.

He froze on the spot, his heart racing.

"I'm sorry," Wonwoo mumbled and a soft laugh made him gasp.

"Is alright, I was finishing here," the Man said and Wonwoo's heart stopped.

"I'm really sorry, I cannot find the others," Wonwoo mumbled again and the man, with his tanned skin and black hair stood up, shaking Verbal Jint's hand.

"I think they're upstairs," Jintae said and Wonwoo looked at the Man. He was about to walk beside him and Wonwoo bowed, almost any of his sanity left at the moment. He never imagined himself in such situation.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Wonwoo said too excitedly and too rushed the Man laughed and smiled at him.

"It's a pleasure for sure."

"I'm a big fan of yours," Wonwoo said again and the smile grew blinding Wonwoo.

"It's an honor to have such passionate fan," he said and placed a hand over his shoulder. "Don't be too formal," he said and Wonwoo smiled. He left and Wonwoo breathed again.

"Do you want to have a seat?" Jintae asked mockingly but Wonwoo ignored it and he moved to sit on a chair.

"San E is upstairs with the boys," Jintae said and stood. "Once you calm down I'll take you with them."

"I'm fine," Wonwoo said, still breathing harshly. He took a deep breath and repeated, "I'm fine." Jintae stood and  Wonwoo followed him, finding them in a recording studio. Wonwoo slowly quietly got in, sitting in between Jihoon and Vernon.

"Why no one told me?" Wonwoo whispered and Jihoon glared at him.

"We told Mingyu to tell you," Hansol said and Wonwoo rolled his eyes.

"That guy forgets everything." Jihoon kept glaring at him.

"I just accidentally ran into him, okay, don't be a dick," Wonwoo hissed and crossed his arms.

He was faking anger as he felt his heart kept racing against his ribcage and it kept like that for a few days and he thought it would never repeat again. He would never see him again not that close and he would surely forget about him.

Jihoon sat beside him on a couch in the company, he stared at him until Wonwoo gave up and looked at him.

"Hansol said that he heard Verbal Jint is featuring a song with Epik High," Jihoon said excitedly, Jihoon felt like their world collided for once. Wonwoo looked again to his tablet.

"Nothing new," Wonwoo said, "they have worked together for a few years now." Jihoon frowned and hit him on the arm. "It's true, you have heard many of them." Jihoon stood and left him, he went into his own stuff before standing up and leaving.

Wonwoo was looking an empty room to get comfortable and start writing. Since they got into Brand New Music their assignments changed.  San E was tired to train half-assed rappers that were only labeled as idols so he wanted to try new things with them. He worked on their rapping and on their writing abilities, leaving to the end the freestyle. They were writing some lyrics to use them in a song, to see if it worked. Wonwoo wanted to shine since his rapping skills were as standard as his singing and dancing skills. He was improving for sure but he wanted that to be his. He was halfway his lyrics and wanted an empty place to finish. Without even knocking he opened a door and he was hit by a soft tune, good and heartwarming.

"I'm sorry," he said and was about to close the door but a hand stopped him midway.

"You're an idol doesn't it?" He heard a soft playful tone he was used to hearing in his youth and gulped nodding. "Do you have a fixed style?" the Man said and Wonwoo shook his head. "Don't be afraid, I don't bite." Wonwoo took a deep breath under his sight and saw him smile, genuinely smile.

"Thank you," Wonwoo said.

"Come in and help me," he moved and Wonwoo walked inside the recording studio. "I was waiting for VJ but he's taking a while," he said taking a seat in front of the screen and looking through some papers before turning around to see Wonwoo.

"Why are you here?" Wonwoo asked and the surprised face the man did make Wonwoo realize how hard his words might sound. "I'm curious, it's not like I don't like it, it's just...."

"It's okay," he said smiling. He handed Wonwoo the sheet and spoke again, "it's my song and he's not sure about the lyrics so I come here to show him the song and talk about lyrics and stuff, when everything is ready I make him to my studio to keep everything recorded." He finished looking at Wonwoo. "Try to rap that. I cannot have a tone for it."

"Is it okay for me to see it?" Wonwoo asked and the man looked at him, not erasing his smile.

"I think that if you can't keep your mouth shut your work for your group will be in vain so I'm sure you can do this."

Wonwoo chuckled, his eyes going through the lines and he moved to lean towards him, "Do you mean this part?" He said signaling the verse, the man laughed and nodded.

"You're a smart boy."

"I'm your fan, I understand this thing," Wonwoo said and the smile became bitter. Wonwoo looked at him. "I'm a fan of you, as an Epik High member, as Tablo and as a person itself," Wonwoo said slowly, feeling embarrassed of his own words. The smile kept being sad and hurtful, Wonwoo swallowed. "I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention..."

Tablo smiled and Wonwoo smiled to him. He had voiced it, his name. He gave the man a name for once. Tablo signaled the sheet and Wonwoo started to rap, shyly making him chuckle. He gave Wonwoo directions and the boy gladly followed it. When he finished, Wonwoo stopped when he took the doorknob.

"Can you help me with something?" Wonwoo asked Tablo turned around to look at him, waiting for him to finish the sentence. "I have been writing some lyrics," he said. "Can you look at them and give me a little advice?" Tablo nodded and Wonwoo took his tablet from his backpack and handed it to him.

Wonwoo stared at how he read the lines.

"It's unfinished," Wonwoo said, trying to excuse himself and Tablo looked at him, a dead serious look on his face.

"What do you want to do?" He asked, no smiles, no softness and it made Wonwoo uncomfortable. "I mean," he said before Wonwoo could voice his own question. "What you want to become as a lyricist?" Wonwoo bit his lip and Tablo could see the doubt in his face. "It's good but well, it feels like restraining yourself to fit in someone else views and liking. That's not how you do it. This thing is about yourself not about what others might like." He said handing Wonwoo his tablet. "Good luck on finishing it." Tablo turned around to see the screen and save everything and Wonwoo walked outside the recording room.

The words never came and he finished a half-assed lyrics. Lyrics that were so much for two persons in his life and it was a mess. No one liked it and Wonwoo erased it to write something else, about himself, about Mingyu and Tablo. About his messed up head. It was a beautiful piece that never saw the light.

Things got weird, as the world was playing games with Wonwoo, wanting to doubt and make him suffer. It had been like an art of magic. Every time he did something, Tablo was in his head and he had run into him innumerable times that say it was it was a coincidence sounded like a lie and a joke.

Wonwoo took himself time to look for an album he had wanted to hear -and own-, he was going through every line of albums but it seemed like a lie to find it. He spotted it by the corner of his eyes and moved to take it, a hand took it the same moment, their fingers collided and he felt a rush of fireworks going through his fingers to his arm and by the skin tone, he thought it was Mingyu so he smiled, turning to see him.

"What a coincidence," he heard and his smile faltered when he saw Tablo, smiling at him, playfully, he retracted his hand embarrassed and ashamed. How could he not recognize the hand that touched his body so many times? Wonwoo stared at the album on Tablo's hands and smiled.

"I thought you would already have a copy," Wonwoo said smiling and the man blushed.

"Yeah, I do," he confessed making Wonwoo chuckle, "but sometimes you need to help your friends," he said and handed it to Wonwoo. "This is the same." Wonwoo took the album smiling widely.

"Does this mean we are friends?" Wonwoo asked blushing, the color going to half of his face and more noticeable for his now white skin. Being locked in a room with no windows most of the time made that to anyone. He missed his slightly tanned skin and now even more.

"If you needed a confirmation," Tablo said looking in the same section, finding two more copies. "This is it," he said waving two copies. "I'll see if I can get you a signed copy."

"I would likely also have the new Epik High album signed," Wonwoo said feeling a little less shy or embarrassed. Tablo laughed and Wonwoo smiled hearing that sound.

"Now, I think you're abusing," Tablo said playfully but by the sound of his voice, he was considering to do it. Wonwoo smiled. "It seems we see each other too often," Tablo said and he moved to the cashier and Wonwoo followed him.

"Well, now we go out at the same time to avoid as many crowds as we can," Wonwoo said looking how Tablo placed both of the albums and took the third one from Wonwoo's hands making him blush again.

"And if someone saw us together," he said and Wonwoo tilted his head, waiting for the sentence to be finished but Tablo gave his attention to the cashier. "Well, it would be a mess," Tablo finished when he had a bag with everything inside and looked for one album to give Wonwoo and he smiled.

"Oh, right," Wonwoo said staring at the album in his hands. "The expectations of the rookie hanging out with Epik High's Tablo."

Tablo smiled, "touché."

They waved goodbyes and the smile on Wonwoo's face never faded. He kissed Mingyu and all his senses were lost on the touch. It was a messy stuff and his thoughts wandered from the man in front of him and the man that always turned his world around.

They were all doing their regular training. Some were trying music and some others were dancing, polishing their own skills. Wonwoo was weirdly pressed against Mingyu's arm. The room was filled on 2014 when almost all the members of the new group were in the company. The door opened and all ignored it, including Wonwoo.

"Wonwoo," the voice made everything stop. The music kept its course and Wonwoo moved from his weird and comfortable place. "Something came for you." Wonwoo stood and Mingyu took his hand, the older looked at him and smiled at him reassuringly and moved to the door but Mingyu didn't stay behind and followed him.

"What are you doing?" Wonwoo hissed when he saw Mingyu following his tracks. They came to the receptionist and she handed Wonwoo the package, he took it and walked away, when they were alone Mingyu took it and placed it whenever he could and took all the tape on it to open it, Wonwoo fighting the boy for him to stop. "Mingyu, stop," Wonwoo cried but the younger didn't hear him.

Mingyu placed his hands inside the box, it's filling falling as he took what it was inside. He took it and pulled it out of the box, looking at an album with a single sign. Wonwoo stopped to fight his boyfriend staring at the latest Epik High album, signed by Tablo only. Mingyu opened the box, a message engraved with the same black ink.

_For the boy, I have big expectations in._

Wonwoo blushed and tried to take it away from Mingyu's hands but the younger let it fall inside the box, not caring if it got damaged and turned to see his boyfriend, taking his hands. There was something on Mingyu's eyes that made Wonwoo not want to fight for his release.

"What's this?" Mingyu asked dryly, glaring at Wonwoo. Wonwoo gulped.

"A signed album, nothing else," Wonwoo answered looking directly at Mingyu's eyes.

"Why does it feels like flirting?" Mingyu asked and Wonwoo opened his eyes wide, this time not taking any second thought on fighting for his hands to be free.

"What's wrong with you?" Wonwoo hissed but Mingyu's grip got stronger making him whimper. "He's married you, idiot," Wonwoo cried, "and he has a daughter." Wonwoo moved to step on Mingyu's foot strong enough for the boy to release him. Mingyu moved to take Wonwoo's face and Wonwoo gasped at the touch burning his skin.

"Be honest," Mingyu cried and Wonwoo moved to reach Mingyu's body, gripping on the shirt and cried with him.

"What do you want to hear?" Wonwoo asked, his voice breaking at every word and Mingyu released.

"You were," Mingyu said. "You were flirting." It wasn't a question and Wonwoo felt embarrassed because it felt like had been doing it. "With a married man."

"I wasn't," Wonwoo said. "Do you trust me?"

"What?"

"Do you trust me?" Wonwoo asked again and Mingyu stared at him. "Mingyu, this about that." Wonwoo was about to get close to Mingyu the door opened.

"Is everything okay?" Seungcheol asked and Wonwoo nodded, holding the tears. "The boys said you sounded like fighting, Were you fighting?"

"We're okay," Wonwoo said. "Right?"

"Everything is fine," Mingyu said, Seungcheol nodded and got outside, closing the door behind him.

"Trust me," Wonwoo said taking Mingyu's face in between his hands and got closer pressing his lips against his boyfriend's. "I love you."

"I'm sorry," Mingyu said and Wonwoo smiled at him.

"He's married, you don't need to think like that."

"I know you like him," Mingyu said and Wonwoo gasped, taking a step back. "And more than just a fan," Mingyu finished and Wonwoo tried to regain his composure. "I'm gonna trust you."

"I won't betray you," Wonwoo said and pulled him, again into a kiss. Mingyu moved to get out of the room and Wonwoo took the album the feeling of proudness getting into his chest as he touched the ink on the cover, he took the album and went to his backpack to put it inside.

Inside Wonwoo it grew a need to show it to the world but he couldn't it meant more than it should. Mingyu was right it called into intimacy. Into a kind of flirt game and Wonwoo wouldn't complain about that matter but deep down he knew it kept being a one sided thing. There would be nothing in there. Just his feelings and nothing else. He went outside the building to put the box outside, placing the filling in a bag and when he was about to flat the box, he saw a white envelope, he took it and without actually thinking about it, he sat beside the trash bag and opened it. It was short but it kept Wonwoo's heart pounding and when he went to his boyfriend's side he knew he couldn't tell him and what he was about to do wasn't right but he couldn't stop himself from doing it. He wanted it. He wanted to taste what he had dreamed for so long. Not the love but the friendship.

Soon it became Wonwoo's turn to play. The world had stopped to play with him, the coincidences and all the run into each other stopped but there was more of it that Wonwoo knew and wanted to acknowledge. He wanted to keep playing. The address on the box wasn't from Tablo's company and as his face started to appear less and less on the TV screen or in his daily life, Wonwoo did what he would never do if he wasn't curious about the things that could happen. He could end up hating him. He wouldn't regret that as he would be able to give Mingyu his whole attention and heart.

Wonwoo pressed the doorbell and a known voice with a slightly metallic sound came through the speakers.

"I am," Wonwoo hesitated to keep talking. "I'm Jeon Wonwoo from, Pledis and training in Brand New Music." Silence. Wonwoo bit his lip.

"Oh yeah." There were nothing else said and a lock opening, Wonwoo saw the building's door opening. He pressed a button and said thank you, rushing inside. He got into a common place and walked into the elevator.

His heart was pounding against his ribcage but the pain was still bearable. The elevator stopped and the doors opened, he walked out into a corridor. He looked at the number in the piece of cardboard he had taken the box and he walked. As he moved he started to hear his heartbeat against his ears.

The door opened before he could knock. A slim female figure coming out and when she turned to see Wonwoo he bowed and she smiled at him. Sweetly and kind but there was something in her eyes that weren't kind but he guessed that it was age, motherhood, adulthood and the business she was in. It was more than someone could deal in a lifetime but she was doing a great job for her daughter and husband.

"Nice to meet you," Wonwoo said in a low voice and her eyes got a slight light in them.

"Got inside, my husband is inside with our daughter, hope you don't have to deal with anything bad," she said and Wonwoo smiled but swallowed his words as she walked away.

Wonwoo walked inside, closing the door carefully and took off his shoes, the doors of the rooms were closed as he walked into the hallway towards the living room. In the couch, watching the TV was Haru. Wonwoo could also see the cameras and the empty places where the cameraman would be if they were recording. They were in a way.

"I didn't expect to see you," He heard and Wonwoo turned towards the dining room, watching the man there, standing with a pair of old bermuda shorts and Wonwoo blushed.

"I'm sorry," Wonwoo started to say. "I couldn't announce it and I came uninvited," he said, stumbling over his own words and a soft laugh made him blush even harder.

"It's okay," Tablo said and he moved towards the kitchen, Wonwoo followed him. "You made me save a few bucks from sending another package."

"Another?" Wonwoo asked and Tablo turned around to see him.

"I got Michael to sign the album but I forgot to put it in the box," he said and retook the job of making food and stopped to pay attention to Wonwoo. "Go make some company to Haru," Tablo said absentmindedly and Wonwoo obeyed, leaving his backpack beside the couch, he looked around finding himself uncomfortable with the big portrait of Tablo and his wife. The happy faces and the love made him overwhelmed. He turned to see Haru and she was already looking at him.

There was a little mess made by Haru's toys, she was now sitting on the floor with some of them between her legs and she looked between Wonwoo and the television. Wonwoo moved to get closer.

"Hi," he said and she looked fully to him. "I'm Wonwoo." She was known to be shy. A funny little girl, full of happiness and joy and that made everyone laugh but she was shy and more if she didn't know who it was. "I'm a friend of you father," Wonwoo said, looking at the dolphin in Haru's hands. It was awkward for both of them.

"I'm Haru," she said in his low shy voice and Wonwoo smiled getting closer.

"Nice to meet you Haru," Wonwoo said and moved his head like a bow since he was crouching on the floor and she did the same. "What do you have in your hands?" Wonwoo asked and he saw her face light up and he chuckled.

"It's a dolphin," Haru said excitedly showing the stuffed animal in her tiny hands, Wonwoo flicked the nose and she frowned.

"It's pretty cute," Wonwoo said. "What else do you have there?" She looked through the toys she had at hand and started to tell Wonwoo about them, leaving them in his hands and when he ran out of toys she took Wonwoo's hand and pulled him towards her room, the things in Wonwoo's hands fell to the floor and he followed her, looking at the corner of his eyes how Tablo looked at them with a slight smile on his lips.

Haru kept handing Wonwoo stuff and he played with her and she smiled when he did silly stuff and corrected him. It was nice and comfortable.

"Food is ready," they heard and turned to see Tablo there, Haru rushed towards the dining room, Wonwoo got up from his place and stretched his legs before moving to the same place. He was stopped by Tablo's hand as he took his own hand and an odd touch against his palm. "Thank you," Tablo whispered and moved. Wonwoo carefully opened the paper in his hand felt odd the way it was given to him. There was Tablo's phone number. Everything was confusing.

Wonwoo moved to the table but when he was about to sit in front of Haru he saw her frowning cutely and he chuckled taking his plate to sit beside her and she started to ramble about toys and stuff. Wonwoo easily followed her little conversation as he ate and cleaned her mouth before even Tablo got the time to do it. When they were about to finish Wonwoo's phone rang and he stood up and answered the call.

"Don't we have a date?" Mingyu said and Wonwoo gasped.

"Since when? I don't remember," Wonwoo said in a low voice, glancing at the table.

"I decided it five minutes ago," Mingyu said. "Where are you?"

"What?" Wonwoo gasped as he heard his boyfriend talking.

"Let's have a date," Mingyu said excitedly and Wonwoo giggled at the sound of his voice.

"Yeah, where?" Wonwoo said low and slow.

"Oppa is leaving?" Haru said and Wonwoo gasped turning to see her. Sad but bright eyes.

"Who's that?" Mingyu asked and Wonwoo gulped.

"Where should we see and at what time?" Wonwoo asked and he could feel Mingyu frowning. "Just tell me," Wonwoo pleaded but there was still silence on the other side.

"Five, on the coffee shop close to the dorms," Mingyu said and Wonwoo nodded even when the younger couldn't see him.

"See you."

"I love you," Mingyu said and Wonwoo hold his breath, long enough to make Mingyu think.

"Me too, bye," Wonwoo said and hung up.

"Are you leaving?" Tablo asked and Wonwoo smiled bitterly.

"Yeah, thank you for the meal," Wonwoo said. "It was a pleasure to meet you," Wonwoo said to Haru and she laughed, moving from her seat to hug him. "I'll come back if your father lets me," he said and pinched her nose.

"There's no problem," Tablo said and moved. Haru walked to the couch and turned on the TV, staring at the device. Wonwoo smiled and moved to take his backpack and walked towards the door but Tablo stopped him. "Wait," he said and moved to one of the rooms. Coming back with an album, Wonwoo looked at it and there was a slight frown he couldn't contain.

"It doesn't have my name," Wonwoo said and looked at Tablo.

"Well, I couldn't tell him for who it was," he said and Wonwoo frowned. "You'll understand one day."

Wonwoo nodded and bit his lip but moved to put the album on his backpack and thanked Tablo before he went to the door. Tablo walked silently behind him. Wonwoo put his shoes and opened the door and he turned to see Tablo. Wonwoo bowed once.

"Thank you and again, I'm sorry to come uninvited," Wonwoo said and Tablo smiled.

"Now you can ask whenever you want to come," Tablo said and Wonwoo nodded vigorously with a smile.

"Well, thank you and goodbye," Wonwoo said and bowed. He was about to turn around but Tablo took his wrist and pulled him close, not enough to touch his chest or into a hug. There was nothing said or done.

Yet, Wonwoo could feel a ghost of something against his temple, it was something that barely came noticed and he felt it was something close to a kiss but it was more like Tablo just breathed against his temple and let him go. Wonwoo stared at him dumbfounded and bowed again and he left, closing the door behind him, his mouth slightly open. He touched his temple and a rush of unknown, indescriptive feelings came into him. Wonwoo walked towards his boyfriend with another man in mind and not even when he was being kissed by Mingyu, he forgot that feeling. His breath again his skin and everything became confusing. Mingyu asked him about what he heard and Wonwoo lied without even thinking about saying the truth. He selfishly wanted to keep Mingyu close. Wonwoo wanted the kisses and the touches. He wanted Mingyu in every way and he couldn't allow himself from spilling what was happening in his life or in his mind.

He loved Mingyu, deeply and strong but he also loved that Man. A strong but different love from what he was feeling towards Mingyu. Wonwoo knew the game he was playing would end up bad and all the probabilities were against him. As the days passed he kept saying to himself that there was nothing hidden in what was receiving from Tablo, nothing. It was just kindness.

Wonwoo took a few weeks before he could be brave enough to text Tablo, the paper with his number was hidden in a box with every gift, note and letter Mingyu had given him. It was a place he knew no one would look for it, not even Mingyu. When he saved the number he did it with another name. On his phone, it wasn't _Epik high's Tablo_ or _Tablo_ but Daniel, a name the Man itself would want to forget. When he saved it he got a Kakaotalk account. He opened the chat room several times and none of them he sent something. He was more scared than anyone could think. His feelings were one thing but he was scared of being played. Of being joked about but one day when he found himself alone in the dorm after he overslept and the boys went to eat without him. The courage came or maybe he simply mistook the chatroom.

 **Won  
** _I'm hungry ;;;_  
_Sorry!  
_ _I'm Wonwoo, I'm so sorry_

 **Blo  
** _Thought you wouldn't say anything_

 **Won  
** _Sorry, I didn't want to send that first. I wanted to say it to Mingyu :(_

 **Blo  
** _Did you ate?_

 **Won  
** _No  
_ _I overslept and the boys left without me. I'm hoping they remember I am alive_

 **Blo  
** _Then come, I'll treat you today's meal_

 **Won  
** _That's not necessary, I'm sure Mingyu will get me something_

 **Blo  
** _Don't worry  
_ _I don't bite, it'll be fun_

 **Won  
** _I can't take too long, I have to go to rehearsals_

 **Blo  
** _I'll take you to the company once we're done_

 **Won  
** _Kay, let me get ready_

Wonwoo moved from his spot on the couch to get into the bathroom to clean his hair and face. He stared at his reflection in the mirror and saw himself shaking his head. What he was doing was wrong but he ignored it and went to get something to wear. He wanted something that looked casual but nice. He put a pair of dark jeans and a black shirt. He moved to the door and took his phone.

 **To:** Mingu  
_I'm gonna be out_

He texted and waited a little.

 **To:** Mingu  
_I love you_

He pocketed the phone and took his keys, taking a deep breath before leaving the dorm. His heart drummed against his ears the whole trip to Tablo's house, he pressed the number on the door and he heard the ring and a metallic voice.

"I'm Wonwoo," Wonwoo said.

"Wait there, I'm going down." Wonwoo heard and sighed, and stood there, the door not opening and five minutes later Tablo got there. Looking handsome and so fine Wonwoo held his breath and blushed when he smiled at him.

"Sorry for taking so long," He said and Wonwoo shook his head. "I was cleaning," Tablo said and passed an arm around his shoulders. "Something you want to eat?" Tablo asked.

"Anything is good," Wonwoo answers.

"Well there's this place with really good clams," Tablo said and Wonwoo stopped moving.

"I'm allergic to seafood," Wonwoo said blushing and Tablo chuckled.

"Well, I'll think some other thing," Tablo said. "There are good places close to you company, it will be better that way, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," Wonwoo stuttered and looked at the Man's bright eyes. "I'm not a fancy eater," Wonwoo said shyly and smiled. "Chicken would do, is that okay?"

"Everything you want is okay," Tablo said and they kept walking, Wonwoo followed him towards the street and Tablo got a cab, getting inside and Wonwoo followed him. He gave the driver Pledis address and then there was silence, broken by his cell phone, Wonwoo took it.

 **From:** Mingu  
_We went to get seafood, did you ate?_

 **To:** Mingu  
_No, I'm going to get some food, it's okay, hope you enjoyed it_

 **From:** Mingu  
_Not so much because you weren't there_

Wonwoo chuckled and felt Tablo's eyes over him blushing.

 **To:** Mingu  
_Miss you too, see you later_

Wonwoo tapped hurriedly and pocketed his phone smiling at Tablo.

"They were asking if I ate since they went to get some seafood," Wonwoo said with a bitter smile.

"Don't worry, you'll have even more tasty food," Tablo said and Wonwoo laughed.

"Thank you," Wonwoo said with a smile and the ride became cheerful with Tablo's anecdotes. Wonwoo listened with loving eyes and sighing when the older couldn't see him but Tablo saw him and read him really well. There was no secret, Wonwoo was an open book.

They got down a few blocks before the company and Tablo tried to recognize the area making Wonwoo giggle and followed him when the older said solemnly he had found a nice spot. Tablo took Wonwoo's wrist and made the boy stop to take a few pictures before they reached the restaurant. Tablo asked for a private table and Wonwoo didn't question it. They ordered and talked of random things not getting too deep and Wonwoo felt the world was playing with him or that it was a dream, so much happiness and luck could only bring bad things. Of course, it would, if Mingyu got to know what he had been doing even if he had been just behaving like a good friend. It wasn't what Wonwoo was doing but what he wanted. He desired more than just the friendship. He desired the man in front of him, stuffing his mouth with food and smiling at him as he knew what was going inside Wonwoo's head and thought the same. Tablo smiled at him like he wanted the same as Wonwoo. The young boy swallowed and looked at his phone and the hour. He wasn't late but he would soon.

"Do you have to go?" Tablo asked and Wonwoo chuckled nodding.

"I'm still on time but I don't want to be late," Wonwoo answered honestly.

"Let me ask for the bill and take you there," Tablo said and Wonwoo smiled but shook the head.

"I think you still have more important things to do," Wonwoo said as he stood up.

"It's okay." Tablo's voice was sure and strong and made Wonwoo sit on the chair again. Tablo asked for the bill and both of them waited silently. Wonwoo played with his hands and when Tablo paid, both of them stood up and walked outside. Silently and side to side. Arms brushing each other making Wonwoo blush madly. The color going on his cheeks making him feel hot.

Tablo suddenly stopped and Wonwoo stopped a few steps away, Wonwoo turned and Tablo was close again, hugging him, Wonwoo could hear his heartbeat, going as fast as his own and drumming against his ear, Wonwoo hugged him back, burying his face in his chest and smelling the strong cologne. Wonwoo was sure he would never forget that smell.

There was a soft feeling against his head. It was nice and barely noticeable but he knew what it was. A pair of lips against his crown. His hands clasped the back of Tablo's shirt pulling him away and the tiptoed to place a kiss on his jawline. It was fast and he almost didn't reach but he didn't know if that was embarrassing. He took a step backward.

"Thank you for the meal," Wonwoo said and bowed to leave, he ran towards the building, getting inside and into the green training room just on time. He had just enough time to hug Mingyu and when he looked at the younger's frowning face he felt scared.

"Did you bought a new cologne?" Mingyu asked and Wonwoo laughed awkwardly.

"What? We live together, you'll notice," Wonwoo said and looked around to be able to place a kiss on Mingyu's lips. "I was with a friend."

"And you rubbed yourself against him?" Mingyu asked angrily and Wonwoo hit him on the arm.

"I hugged him," Wonwoo said a half-truth. "I haven't seen him in a while," Wonwoo said. "I'm sorry," Wonwoo said and placed a kiss on Mingyu's cheek. "I went to eat with him, is that okay?"

"You don't need to ask for my permission," Mingyu asked biting his lip and Wonwoo laughed.

"Well, you have been acting like I need to ask you if I can breathe," Wonwoo remarked smiling playfully.

"I'm sorry," Mingyu said.

"It's okay, just don't do it, it makes me feel like I'm doing everything wrong," Wonwoo said. "I love you," Wonwoo said smiling. Mingyu smiled him back and they retook they training as if anything happened.

Wonwoo was dying inside. There were lies and he didn't like them but he had to say them if he wanted to stay with Mingyu in the way they were doing it so far. If he wanted to keep Mingyu as his boyfriend he would have to lie but lies don't last forever and one day he would find the truth but he wanted when that happen he would be with Tablo with no worries. He wanted to have Mingyu if something happened, to stay with him or to leave him if everything went well. Mingyu was his insurance.

Wonwoo was hugging Mingyu as they lied on the bed, they were alone. Some of the weird moments they could share together. Mingyu moved to be able to kiss him and Wonwoo kissed him recklessly. His phone sounded and he ignored it, leaving a soft moan to fill the room and soon as Mingyu's mouth was on his neck, they could hear the door opening. They fell apart and just lied on the bed beside each other. Mingyu stood and moved to greet the boys. Wonwoo stood there and took his phone from his pocket and read the messages, giggling as Tablo sent him some funny photos. It was normal for them to share photos and talk regularly, Wonwoo always waited for Tablo to answer or talk first since he was busier than himself. Everything was well hidden and Mingyu wasn't aware of it. Mingyu got inside the room and closed the door behind him and locked it. Wonwoo locked his phone and turned his body to see Mingyu, and he came closer burying himself on Wonwoo's body and lips. Wonwoo's phone started to beep but the older boy hit it to fall into the ground muffling the sound and kept enjoying his boyfriend's lips and touch.

"Let's have a date," Mingyu said when he broke the kiss.

"Yes," Wonwoo answered panting and pushed Mingyu closer to kiss him again. Wonwoo broke the kiss again, "whatever you want babe," he said breathily and they kissed again, pulling themselves away when there was a knock on the door and Mingyu got up to open and Wonwoo moved from his bed to take his fallen phone.

Seungcheol squinted when he saw them but said nothing, as Wonwoo was busy on his phone and Mingyu, moved to lie on his own bed taking his own phone. Seungcheol left and Wonwoo moved to see Mingyu.

"Where do you want to go?" Wonwoo asked and Mingyu looked to him, smiling, brightly, showing all his teeth and his canines.

"Get some ice cream or coffee and eat and kiss," Mingyu said making Wonwoo giggle.

"I'm up to everything," Wonwoo said and crawled out of bed to get into Mingyu's and kissed him, moving his lips downwards into his neck.

 "When?" Wonwoo asked and bit Mingyu's skin softly.

"Don't leave hickeys," Mingyu said breathily and Wonwoo licked the area giggling against Mingyu's skin. "Tomorrow." Wonwoo stopped to see him. "Is that okay?"

"Yes," Wonwoo answered. "I miss being alone with you."

"It can't be like other times," Mingyu said and Wonwoo moved from his spot to sit in the bed. "We need to be careful so just kisses in dark places." Wonwoo giggled.

"I won't mind it if I get to kiss you," Wonwoo whispered.

"Kiss me now you idiot," Mingyu mumbled and Wonwoo moved to kiss him. The door cracked and Mingyu pushed Wonwoo out off him. Wonwoo hit the floor with a loud thud.

"Damn you, idiot," Wonwoo groaned and Mingyu laughed. Wonwoo stood up and hit him in the stomach. The younger laughed out loud and Wonwoo scoffed and went away. Walking to the living room. Smiling widely.

He loved being with Mingyu. He loved spending time with him and loved to kiss him and touch him. It was nice.

For some odd moments, Wonwoo clung into Mingyu's arm as they waited in line, giggling at him but never leaning to kiss him even when he really wanted to do it.

"Won," Wonwoo heard and left Mingyu's arm to go, turning around to meet with Tablo's eyes. Wonwoo blushed when he felt Mingyu's arm around his waist possessively.

"Hi," Wonwoo said trying to get rid of Mingyu's arm, his face burning in shame. "This is Mingyu, he's a friend of the company," Wonwoo said smiling awkwardly.

"Nice to meet you," Tablo said with a smile held out his hand to Mingyu to take.

"Hey babe, let's go," Mingyu said, brushing his lips against Wonwoo's ear making him shudder.

"See you later," Tablo said and Mingyu stopped from pulling Wonwoo.

"Won," Mingyu said in a low breath.

"See you later," Wonwoo smiled at Tablo and followed Mingyu, clinging again on his arm but he looked back. Tablo taking Haru's little hand and walking away as she held a cone and happily chatted with her father.

"What was that?" Mingyu asked when they were getting their ice creams.

"It was a figurative kind of speech," Wonwoo said and looked around to be able to kiss his cheek. "Nothing to worry about." Mingyu smiled and let it pass. Wonwoo was worried but his worries were soon forgotten as the day passed and he drowned himself in Mingyu and the much he loved his boyfriend, in the way he loved him.

A few days later Wonwoo went to Tablo's house uninvited. He opened the door and Wonwoo got inside, finding the house empty. Wonwoo walked awkwardly in the silence following Tablo.

"Haru is with her grandparents," Tablo said and Wonwoo exhaled a soft 'Oh' making Tablo laugh. "Don't act like she is the only reason you're here," Tablo said and Wonwoo laughed awkwardly.

"Well I need to excuse myself to come here uninvited," Wonwoo said looking at his feet.

"Is Mingyu your boyfriend?" Tablo asked making Wonwoo laugh, the sound was soft and uncomfortable. "Why didn't you tell me?" Wonwoo threw his backpack on the floor and sat on the couch looking at Tablo, his cheeks getting warmer.

"Oh yeah, telling the world I'm a queer boy," Wonwoo said hiding his face with his hands.

"We know pretty well it wasn't because of that," Tablo said. "I mean, that's a stupid excuse to use with me."

"Right," Wonwoo said. "It was another reason."

"If you don't want to talk about it..."

"I like you," Wonwoo said, not thinking just letting his feeling out of him. "In a romantic way, I just wanted you to know." Tablo moved to sit beside Wonwoo, passing an arm around Wonwoo's shoulders.

"And him?"

The question got around Wonwoo's head before he could answer, "it's different," Wonwoo said looking at him, getting closer. His leg hitting Tablo's leg. "I love him and I love you," he said slowly and he bit his lip. "Different kind of way." Tablo laughed dryly.

"So you play with his feelings?"

"I'm not," Wonwoo retorted moving away.

"Does he know you see me? Does he know what you feel about me?"

"Does it matter?" Wonwoo asked. "There's nothing going on, you're married with a daughter, why should it matter?"

"Isn't that lying?"

"I'm not lying," Wonwoo said. "What of what we did we weren't supposed to do?"

"If you didn't tell him what you were doing," Tablo trailed and Wonwoo looked at him. "Everything. If you didn't get the guts to tell him what you were doing it meant you were doing something you weren't supposed to do." Wonwoo bit his lip. "You haven't told him anything."

"He's jealous," Wonwoo said. "How I could tell him? He knows how I feel."

"You're hurting him and being selfish," Tablo said.

"Aren't being with you even more selfish?" Wonwoo chuckled and Tablo smiled.

"A little yes," Tablo said. "But we're being honest. I'm married and you've got a boyfriend."

"And you're asking me to break up with him, how selfish is that?" Wonwoo said and looked at Tablo and he laughed.

"I'm sorry," Tablo said making Wonwoo laugh.

"Let's forget this, 'kay?" Wonwoo said. "Let's forget that I said anything but yeah, Mingyu is my boyfriend." Tablo smiled bitterly.

"Do you want something to eat?"

"I should leave," Wonwoo said. "Another time." Wonwoo moved close to kiss Tablo's cheek and got up. He took his backpack and moved towards the door with nothing else to say.

He went towards the company but didn't talk with Mingyu as the younger was busy with other stuff and he himself was busy. They went towards the dorm exhausted and just fell into their mattress. Nothing said, nothing exchanged and Wonwoo had no thoughts about the matter. He never took into consideration leaving him, breaking up with him as selfish as he was. Soon everything left his mind as they started to work on their debut. There was no more kisses and no more touches just exhaustion and some cuddles.

The days came in fast, making Wonwoo dizzy and uncomfortable. Fear and nervousness going around his veins as they came into their debut and had it. He didn't talk with Tablo since he became busier. Many could say it was fear but it wasn't that, he trusted the man more than he should but he did. He knew everything was forgotten and there was still friendship.

It was a month or two after debut when he went to Tablo's house, invited by the older and he guided Wonwoo on his house. Haru has asleep on the couch and Tablo felt unable to move her as she was comfortable so he just put a blanket over her. Wonwoo left his backpack by the entrance. Tablo took his hand and Wonwoo followed without hesitation, his hand clasped on the older. As they walked wild thoughts came into a nineteen-year-old Wonwoo. Tablo got into his bedroom and Wonwoo stopped by the doorframe, looking at Tablo climbing on his bed and tapping beside him. There was something telling him to just go away that it wasn't right but it was his dream so he brushed off his thought and went to lie beside Tablo. The older took him by the waist and pulled him closer, Wonwoo moved without second thoughts, hiding his face on Tablo's chest and there wasn't anything else. Nothing felt more intimate than that and there weren't even kisses just warmth and feelings surrounding their bodies.

Tablo pushed Wonwoo away and Wonwoo stared at him and he exhaled, "I love you." There were no second thoughts and he didn't even think about the consequences of anything. He was being honest with the man that was in front of him. Tablo smiled and moved to place a kiss on Wonwoo's nose making him giggle.

"I do too," Tablo said and Wonwoo stared at him, the words were something that they were used to say and hear but that moment hid something else something so further an unknown it felt foreign for Wonwoo's ears. Tablo looked at Wonwoo's wide open eyes and chuckled. "I love you too," he said in a low breath and Wonwoo gasped moving his hands to push Tablo farther away but he took him by the wrists and moved closer and closer to be just a few inches away.

"Don't play with me like this," Wonwoo cried closing his eyes.

"Like you're doing with Mingyu," Tablo retorted making Wonwoo gasp and open his eyes. He stared a pair of dark jealousy filled eyes. Tablo released his wrists.

"I'm loving him," Wonwoo said. "I'm loving him for real, as much as you're loving your wife." Tablo smiled and caressed Wonwoo's cheek. The younger closed his eyes and he was about to touch his lips with his own but a little, tiny groan made him fall apart. Looking at Haru but his hand was still caressing Wonwoo's cheek.

"I'm hungry," Haru mumbled and Tablo moved to get close to her.

"I'm gonna get something to eat, take care of her," Tablo said getting out of the bed. Haru stared at Wonwoo, looking how he saw on the bed. She was too young to understand but there were awkwardness and shame around Wonwoo. Being discovered was awkward no matter who it was but he couldn't stop his shame and guilt from piercing his heart because there was the reason he shouldn't be lying in that bed and why he shouldn't be wanting to be kissed and touched by that man.

"Hey!" Wonwoo said excitedly, a sound that came fake. "Do you want to take another little nap?" Wonwoo asked. "I can ready you a bed story," Wonwoo said and he could see Haru's eyes light up making him giggle. "Come here, lie and let me look for a book, which one do you want?"

"Cinderella," Haru answered joyfully and Wonwoo giggled and caressed her hair.

"I'll go for it, wait here," Wonwoo said and climbed out of the bed, he walked towards the living room and then towards Tablo hugging him from the back and hiding his face on the shirt. "Say it again, please," Wonwoo whined, his hands clasping the body strongly and so harsh he felt his body was foreign and not his own.

"I love you, Wonwoo," Tablo said and Wonwoo started to cry a sudden need getting stuck inside his throat. Wonwoo gasped. He wanted everything, he wanted the world and he felt he could get it. Selfishness ran through his body. "Go to her, we cannot let her see anything," Tablo said and Wonwoo released him but when Tablo turned Wonwoo placed a kiss on his jawline and bit his neck slowly without leaving any mark.

"Where are the books?" Wonwoo asked and Tablo gave him directions and Wonwoo moved not wanting to do it. His body still feeling away so far and so full. His throat stuck with something he didn't know and his soul burning in need. He wanted that man. He needed him and he felt he shouldn't and it was truth, he shouldn't be there wishing for a man that was taken, he shouldn't be stepping into a relationship and he shouldn't by any means be playing with Mingyu's feelings. With the love, the younger had been professing to him so relentlessly. He shouldn't but he did and he didn't regret it because without any of that he wouldn't be on that point. Drowning in happiness, lying in his bed and reading a fairy tale just after the man he had been loving for so long had confessed his love for him.

Haru went to sleep soon as he went to the middle of the story and he felt like falling asleep too. He heard some steps in his sleepiness, heels. He opened his eyes tiredly watching Hyejung in the doorframe and he moved. A soft sweet filled giggle.

"Don't worry," Hyejung said as she walked to climb into the bed to see her daughter and placing a blanket over her and moved her to make her more comfortable.

"I think I fell asleep," Wonwoo mumbled. "I need to go," Wonwoo said and moved out of the room stumbling a little with his own feet and giggled. "Thank you for everything," he said and moved to the door.

"Are you leaving?" Tablo asked and Wonwoo turned around rubbing his eyes.

"Yes," Wonwoo said. "It's the best," he finished and took his backpack and left, as he walked he left his soul leaving his body. When he was far away from there he crouched on the ground and started to cry.

His world crumbled and fell apart. He loved like mad and he was loved, not in the circumstances he wanted and not in the way he wanted. He was just loved by the man he loved. Nothing else would come from that even when he was hoping everything to happen. Vain thoughts and desires.

Wonwoo got into the dorm with red puffy eyes and ignored Mingyu when the younger kept asking what was wrong. Wonwoo got into his room and fell into the bed, burying his face against the pillow, crying to sleep.

They got up early in the morning to their schedules. There wasn't actually time to talk, not that day and not the following days. Wonwoo was avoiding it at all cost but the day will always come. He was sitting on the couch of the living room, everyone was in their own world, even Wonwoo, playing with his phone. Mingyu sat beside him and Wonwoo stiffed and tried to move away but Mingyu took him by the arm.

"We need to talk," Mingyu said and Wonwoo locked his phone to look at his boyfriend. The tired and sad looks made Wonwoo feel guilty. Mingyu stood up and Wonwoo followed him, closing the bedroom room behind him and locking it.

Wonwoo moved to sit in his bed, "yeah?"

"What's wrong with you?" Mingyu asked. Wonwoo froze by the way the words were pronounced, there was no kindness left for him.

"Everything is fine," Wonwoo said and tried to touch Mingyu but the younger moved away from him.

"Tell me the truth," Mingyu hissed and Wonwoo just stared at him as if he didn't understand it. "I have been acting as I don't notice," Mingyu said in a breath. "As if I don't know you have been meeting _him_ without telling me a shit."

"It's nothing," Wonwoo said. "I swear, you don't need to worry."

"Of course I need to worry," Mingyu said kneeling in front of Wonwoo. "You love him, in a way you shouldn't be doing it, you're hurting yourself."

"I'm fine," Wonwoo said. "Everything is fine and I want everything about us being fine," Wonwoo said in a breath moving his hand to caress Mingyu's cheek.

Mingyu snorted a laugh and Wonwoo moved his hand. "Anything is fine and I'm tired of being your relief toy."

"What?"

"I'm done with you Wonwoo, I'm tired and I really love you," Mingyu said and shed a few tears and Wonwoo cleaned them.

"I love you too," Wonwoo said and Mingyu moved his hand shaking his head.

"Don't lie," Mingyu cried moving away and Wonwoo cried with him. He felt unable to say that he wasn't lying and he wasn't but everything pointed to that. Everything sad he was lying but Wonwoo loved Mingyu dearly and deeply. It was honest and fulfilling and easy. Mingyu stood up drying his tears, Wonwoo stayed there feeling lonely, sad and really broken.

He thought of that moment, one day would happen and it already happened but Wonwoo thought he would be happy and that he would be the one initiating it. Saying it was over but he never thought he would feel so empty and so sad and so needy of him.

Wonwoo lied in his bed and cried to sleep. He went to him every day like nothing happened but he felt broken to see Mingyu smiling like nothing actually happened. Like he was fine, entirely fine and it made him feel worse.

Wonwoo stared at his reflection on the elevator walls. He palmed his cheeks and the door opened. Tablo got inside and Wonwoo looked at his reflection when the doors were closed. Tablo leaned to press the stop button and Wonwoo stood there in silence.

"What you wanted to say?" Tablo asked and Wonwoo turned to see him directly.

"Mingyu broke up with me," Wonwoo cried and Tablo got closer to hug him, tapping Wonwoo's back in a reassuring manner.

"That's too bad," he said and Wonwoo pushed him away from himself.

"Is that everything that you're gonna say?" Wonwoo blurted, frowning trying to keep the most distance from Tablo.

"What you wanna hear?" Tablo asked and Wonwoo gasped loudly. "I'm sorry, it's better for us?" Tablo said mockingly and Wonwoo hit him, crying.

"It's your fault," Wonwoo cried again and hit him failing and he hugged him. Tablo started to caress his hair.

"It's not, you know what you were doing," Tablo said. "You knew it was about to happen if you didn't tell him and were honest."

"Are you gonna tell me you were being honest?" Wonwoo said pushing him away again. "Are you gonna tell me you told her you were messing with a nineteen-year-old boy?"

"I did," Tablo answered and Wonwoo moved backward hitting the wall. He saw in his eyes that he was being serious and honest.

"Of course," Wonwoo hissed. "You told her everything, right? Every time you told me you loved me and how we kissed?"

"I did," Tablo said. "I told you to tell him, a relationship is based on trust." Wonwoo moved to hit him.

"Yeah, like I was going to tell him that I wanted you to fuck me," Wonwoo hissed hitting him again.

"Why no? You would be at least respecting him to letting him know what you wanted," Wonwoo hit him again starting to cry, sobbing loudly and getting closer once again to hug him.

"I love you," Wonwoo cried, Tablo pushed him away to take his cheek and kiss him on the lips. There was a bitter taste, sad and thirsty. Wonwoo placed his hands around Tablo's neck and the older moved his hands to his waist, going down. Wonwoo jumped to place his legs around his waist and hit the wall.

Wonwoo broke the kiss to look at Tablo at his eyes and features but there was an answer he wanted. The words always hoped to hear and they felt closer and real. He could hear them, he could feel them.

"Say it," Wonwoo said in a low breath. His voice resonated despite the low sound.

"I love you," Tablo said and Wonwoo moved to kiss him again.

"Choose me," Wonwoo cried and everything vanished as he saw his eyes. Pity. Wonwoo bit his lip. "Choose me over her." Tablo released him and Wonwoo's feet hit the floor, more than just the literal sense. The cloud exploded and he fell to the ground.

"I can't," Tablo said and Wonwoo stared without reacting as little by little his heart broke. Exploding in million pieces as he felt himself falling alone. There was no one to stop his fall, to help him and as he fell he wanted to grip onto something or someone and it was Mingyu. Tablo was his dream, his desire and his whim but Mingyu were everything else. It was love, happiness, and kindness. It was the best of him.

"Please, I beg you," Wonwoo cried holding into Tablo's shirt.

"This is everything I'm able to give you," Tablo said. "I can give you the love I've got but you won't have any title, you'll be down into nothing and you'll see me with her because I won't leave her." Wonwoo held even tighter the shirt. "You don't deserve that and you don't want that."

"I want you," Wonwoo said. There was a decision plastered in every word.

"You will, like this, in secret, in the shadows, nothing else nothing more." Wonwoo stared at him and bit his lip. What he truly wanted? He wanted many things, the man, yes, his love, yeah but not the shadow, not being hidden and see him laugh with someone else. He wanted that job, he wanted to be the one that made him smile.

Wonwoo pulled him down to kiss him, to taste his lips and everything felt right and in place.

"I don't want it," Wonwoo said and moved to press the stop button. The elevator moved again and Wonwoo looked at his reflection until the doors opened. "Thank you for everything," Wonwoo said without looking at him, holding the tears and walking away. There was a point in which he couldn't hold them but he didn't notice he was crying.

Wonwoo had chosen. He chose since the beginning and his plan didn't come as he wanted it to be. He kept both to end up with one, with whoever it was now, he was alone, there was no one to stop his fall and that was the reason he cried. He had been selfish and greedy. Ending up with nothing on his hands but his bitter lonely soul and his broken heart.

You become many things throughout your life. Wonwoo was a son, grandchildren, a friend, an idol, a fan, a lover, a boyfriend, a comrade, an accomplice and _the other_. Wonwoo had become so many things in his life but overall he had been nothing else but a sad song. Lonely and painful but honest to the end.

 

**HOOK**

Wonwoo tried his best to look good on camera and tried his best to talk with Mingyu but the younger always made it impossible. There were long talks with him but he always avoided the hard strong parts of their relationship. Not as Mingyu regretted them or was ashamed but it was painful no matter what. He had loved Wonwoo deeply, fondly and strongly that being apart was hard and really painful and it was even more because he had to sleep under the same roof and he had to see him every day. There was no day in which he could just avoid him and no see him and rest from his pain. Yet, that made even easier to hurt Wonwoo and he had heard him cry in the night when he thought everyone was asleep. It was sad but Mingyu wouldn't care as he had been hurt too. He didn't felt happy or joyful when Wonwoo told him that whatever was going on ended. He felt sad for Wonwoo because it felt like had been played around.

Wonwoo, as always overslept and he was left behind. He stood up and went to the kitchen to get a coke and looked what he could eat without stepping out of the dorm.

"Good morning," Wonwoo heard and turned around to see Mingyu, leaning on the counter. Wonwoo giggled.

"Good morning, Gyu," Wonwoo said smiling.

"I'll do something for you," Mingyu offered and Wonwoo got out of the kitchen to sit on the counter looking at him.

"We need to talk," Wonwoo said and Mingyu froze for a few seconds before he kept moving in the kitchen ignoring Wonwoo.

"Everything is fine like this," Mingyu said as he took a frying pan and place it on the stove.

"We haven't actually talked in months," Wonwoo said biting his lips. "Even after everything, I still want to be friends with you."

"I don't" Mingyu hissed looking at the pan and Wonwoo stared and him, looking him turn around. "I don't want to be friends. I want us to be more than that because I love you." Wonwoo took a deep breath.

"Can we talk about this?" Wonwoo asked and Mingyu shook his head.

"There's nothing else to say, you loved him and used me, there's no way I could be friends with you."

"Would you let me explain myself?"

"There's nothing to explain, you're a dickhead," Mingyu hissed not looking at Wonwoo and the older could feel how he was holding his tears.

"True, I'm a dickhead," Wonwoo said and Mingyu turned to see him over his shoulder. "I'm an idiot," Wonwoo said chuckling. "I did things out on a whim," Wonwoo said and played with his hands. "I loved him like I never loved anyone else before," Wonwoo said and Mingyu turned to see him, crying. The words were too much for him to handle.

"What about me? Was I a joke to you?" Wonwoo stood up to get close to Mingyu but the younger pushed him away.

"No," Wonwoo said. "I loved him the most but it wasn't actually love," Wonwoo said trying to get close to Mingyu. "It went far from love but if get to say who I loved the most after him, it was you," Wonwoo said and took Mingyu's face to make him look at him. "Yeah, I loved him like I never loved someone else but after him, it was you," Wonwoo said making Mingyu frown. "But you were never in second place, I was like a kid whining for a toy and in my head, in my thoughts, it was always you, no one else," Wonwoo said smiling. "The truth is, I thought I loved him but the only one I really loved it was you," Wonwoo smiled and Mingyu got closer to kiss him. "You were there for me and I feel sorry what I did to you." Mingyu stared at Wonwoo and he laughed. "I love you, Mingyu."

Mingyu pushed him making him fall to the floor but they didn't break the kiss until they smell something burning, making Mingyu stand up and finish whatever he was doing. Wonwoo sat again at the counter and admired him. He heard him hum happily and he wanted it to be like that every day.

 

**OUTRO**

Things were never perfect. Good, yeah but Wonwoo was scared. He had shown Mingyu he was an idiot and he was afraid Mingyu kept thinking the same. That Wonwoo wasn't worth his love. Mingyu was scared the same, he felt like Wonwoo never loved him honestly. Not even after another year in a relationship made him think otherwise and it was what restrained them and what made them go into an on and off relationship. They always came back to each other crying and needy. Kissing impatiently but the never could think that their love was honest. It was the most trustful relationship. They loved each other like crazy like there was no one else in the world but there were other people and it drove them insane when someone else took the other attention. It wasn't good. It wasn't fine but they were still young and full of worries. Blind with fears because no matter who saw them, they knew they loved each other.

They tried to make the things right and they did.

Wonwoo began like a sad song. Painful and lonely but with Mingyu he was an old song, painful, lonely, honest but full of memories. Beautiful and saddening memories. It wasn't that bad after all.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I used some of Fan as a base to write this and I tried my best to make it as real as I could but you know, I fucked it on Doyoon since he became trainee after Wonwoo a year almost.
> 
> I hope that everyone that got into this point could enjoy the story no one asked for and I'm really proud of it. 
> 
> Thank you very much for everything.


End file.
